Relationship Fears: Grow Confident By Knowing What To Look For
Most men and women want to find a ‘soul mate.’ Someone with whom they feel a deep connection. A person they can fully trust, love, admire, and create a rewarding life.
The desire for this type of deep connection is deeply rooted. But for many it is also insanely difficult to build. Their desire for intimacy is blocked by an even stronger desire to ‘play it safe.’
Fears of being disappointed, rejected, taken advantage of loom large. As a result, many of these men and women give up on dating all together. Still others will go out and date, but never allow themselves to get too attached.
When avoiding hurt is a top priority, frustration is bound to follow. You will perpetually be ‘on the fence’, unwilling to take the risks necessary to build a truly great satisfying relationship.
Some will think you are “commitment phobic”, but in reality, you are just overly cautious.
In the back of your mind the idea constantly nags at you: ‘This will never work out. I just know they will let me down and that would be crushing.’
Sure, you may stay in the relationship, but you hang back, create distance, and in time this leads to breaking up.
Those fears you had are now confirmed, and your tendency to hold back in relationships becomes even stronger. Finding someone with whom you feel close, who you trust enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable with, seems confusingly complex. Always out of reach.
It doesn’t need to be this tough. Romantic relationships are messy, but they are not rocket science.
It only seems complex because anxiety gets in the way, making it difficult to see things clearly and make good choices.
On the other hand, if you knew what signs to look for early in a relationship that pointed to things going in a healthy direction your anxiety would evaporate. Your sense of uncertainty would stop hindering your decision making and your confidence would grow.
It’s similar to hiking through the woods at night. When you don’t have landmarks to determine whether you are on the correct path you begin to feel uneasy. But when there are clear signposts to look at that measure your progress, then anxiety flees and self-assurance takes root.
Fortunately, there are some very clear ‘signposts’ to look for in romantic relationships that tell you if it is heading along a good course.
Likewise, there are distinct landmarks to watch for that point to a relationship that is not developing in a healthy direction. Follow along to discover what these are and how they can be of help to you.
Signs That A New Relationship Is Growing In The Right Direction
There Is Compatibility
When the initial relationship is built, at least in large part, on compatibility you are off to a good start. Sure, that sounds boring. The foundation of a building also looks boring, but it is essential if the structure built upon it is to be stable and endure for many years. The same holds true for relationships.
By compatibility I mean that you both share a handful of similar interests, your core values align, and your personalities complement one another. The reason compatibility is an important sign to look for is that helps maintain intimacy and mutual enjoyment of one another’s company long after the initial hormone driven attraction has faded.
Don’t misunderstand, there is nothing wrong with the sexually charged attraction that marks the initial chapter of most romantic relationships (there is a lot to be said for it in fact — odd if it is missing). But if that is the primary basis for the relationship, things will fall apart quickly once those feelings of unbridled lust bite the dust.
There Is Mutual Admiration
This quality is not talked about much but it is a powerful element in successful romances. Admiration is driven by a sense of respect and high esteem. Those that you admire are the same people you wish to spend time with and who you would feel flattered to have their admiration in return.
It won’t do if all you admire in your partner is his or her appearance. What you want is to find someone you admire because of their character traits. When this happens you will remain captivated by your love interest over the long haul.
Your Love Interest Is Reliable
I know, this quality sounds about as exciting as a car wash. Trust me on this, you want to put a high priority on finding someone who embodies reliability. This is not the same as being boring, uncreative, and thoroughly unspontaneous.
Reliability, on the other hand, tells you that someone can be depended upon. They are steadfast and trustworthy.
Although tumultuous and unpredictable romances are portrayed on the silver screen as wildly exciting, you are unlikely to know of anyone in real life who found them to be the cornerstone of a deeply rewarding long lasting relationship. You know I’m right. A roller coaster is great fun for a few minutes. Stay on it long enough and realize it is no longer thrilling. Yes, it goes fast and makes crazy turns, but it simply goes around in circles. The same holds true with roller coaster romances.
Bottom line: The person with whom you are involved should be someone you can count on — they show up on time, follow through with their plans, pay their bills, and live a life seldom punctuated by drama. The person you have dinner with on Friday night seems a lot like the person you hold in your arms later that weekend.
Kindness Is Not Scarce
Albert Schweitzer had an interesting take on kindness. He wrote: Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.
Every long-standing intimate relationship faces challenges. Even the most devoted couple will experience hurt, misgivings, and the urge to pull away from one another.
Acts of kindness act as a bulwark against these forces. They soften the sting of discord, and strengthen the bonds that unite two souls. An act of kindness can rekindle the memory of yesterday’s affection.
If you find someone who expresses kindness to you, even in the midst of conflict, you are on the right track. Now make sure you do the same. You know, a two way street type of affair.
Courage Is Evident
Life can be crushingly tough. Everyone experiences loss, setbacks, and disappointments. These pains are inevitable.
To live life fully requires persistence mixed with courage. The willingness to remain true to your convictions even when this extracts a high cost. To resolutely strive towards one’s goals when the price of doing so is great and there are no guarantees of success. To stand by and support those you love when others have fled.
All of this requires courage. If you want to form a relationship that becomes deeply meaningful over the long haul, you should look for someone who has the courage to be steadfast in their convictions (including the idea that your relationship is worth fighting for). Someone who will continue to stick by you through thick or thin, and will gladly link arms with you to face the challenges in life.
You Feel Like A Team
Couples who are in happy relationships view themselves as a team. Look for someone who speaks with fondness about their relationships with others as involving teamwork, mutual support, and a sense of camaraderie.
This may be a relationship with a sibling, friend or co-worker. What you want is to see some previous experience wherein they demonstrated the capacity to engage in this type of relationship. If they have done so in the past, there is a good chance they can form a similar relationship with you.
Conflicts Lead To Closeness
Every couple has disagreements. As a matter of fact, most successful marriages have as many conflicts as unsuccessful marriages.
The key difference is what conflict leads to in these relationships. If it leads to resentment and perpetual ill will the relationship will become unhealthy over time.
By contrast, healthy relationships (including successful marriages) tend to grow closer over time even when conflict arises. Both parties view the skirmishes as a hurdles that they, by working together, have overcame. A brief clash that drew them in toward one another.
New romantic relationships most often have few, if any, conflicts. Each person is too busy putting his or her best foot forward. The first blush of infatuation makes expressions of grace and forgiveness easy.
But with time things change. Ask yourself if your conflicts are resolved in such a way that you end up being closer to one another. If so, you have another sign that you are on the right path.
Conclusion
Understanding what to look for in the initial stages of a relationship builds confidence. Having clear signposts leads you to feel more certain about whether the person you are pouring time and emotional energy into is ultimately worthy of that investment.
Guided by this knowledge you are able to decide whether to move forward, or when it’s time to say good bye. Keeping these seven ‘relationship markers’ in mind can be an antidote to relationship anxiety, and a gateway to healthy intimacy. The only thing left to do at this point is get out there and put that knowledge to use.
